So much to know where I should be...

So much to be able to keep my best friend...

So much to be able to find the right words...

So much to have...

So much to meet someone who wants what I do too. Mostly...

So much to hold...

My trip in exchange for a bundle. Gladly...

To remember what my point was...

To be able to read one man's mind...just for a bit...

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

I've known since January.

Angie, my lead teacher, whom I share a classroom with, is pregnent. She announced it at break today, to the delight of all....

... I am so happy for her and I watch as she glows and smiles, accepts hugs and laughs...

...And meanwhile, I die inside. Tears fight for place with the smile on my face. I push it all in...now is her time, not mine...

... I struggle through the day, pushing down everything inside and snapping at the students...

... I have to go over to my mum's anyway, and so I go. I listen to the phone call we were expecting, taking notes and drawing graphs. Redirecting myself every moment or two...

...And finally, the call is ended and sitting there, in her bedroom, I manage to say "It's Angie she's...and I'm so happy for her...really. Really I am. She's so happy and she'll start showing any day...she's glowing...and I'm...so..."

...The tears choke off my words and I keen and weep, folding myself over my arms and rocking...

...My mum touches my foot and starts talking of "It's not your time yet," and "God will let you carry one day," and "You'll be ok..."

..."I Know," I cry.

I know.

I know.

I know.

...Someday.

Really this time, I mean it :)

Where?

Mainly Nepal, with jaunts to India and Tibet.

When?

August

How long?

3months-1 year

Why?

Because, right now, I can.

Question...

Has anyone else ever taken off and done this? I'm on Thorn Tree http://thorntree.lonelyplanet... a lot, so I know there is, but I'm interested in TBlog peoples, especially ones that have gone to SE Asia...

• Any Travel tips?
• Where did you go and did you like it?
• I want to hit Base Camp on the Tibet side...easiest way to approach this since you can't really cross in from Nepal...
• I'd like to hit the camel fair in Rajesthan, and do a camel trek...is it easier to fly from KTM to India and pick up there or bus/train it?
• I'm mainly wanting to volunteer (orphanages, health clinics...have some nursing experiance, not liscensed)... any reccomendations?

Anyway...funny, interesting, random, whatever stories and comments are welcome here...thought I'd ask.

Thanks~

How

How

How

How...

do I do this?

How do I get here? Writing something I don't even know at 1:45 in the morning? Confusion. Wanting. What do I do? Scream? Pray? Scream prayers? All of the above.

I want to find someone who I can share my life with...who wants kids...who I can connect with spiritually too...who I know is the right person.  What I have is...almost...that.  But not. And I'm trying to figure out how to say it out loud. So...

How?

I've been reading a lot of really good books lately...one of which was The Red Tent. This was probably one of the best books I've ever read, most of the women in my family have read it or are reading right now too, so we're enjoying talking about it.  I think anyone would enjoy this book, but for women, especially, it is good.  Ok, enough of a plug.  I just started one called The Eye of the Abyss today and it already feels like a great book.  There was a quote at the start that grabbed me:

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.  And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

~Nietzsche

Friday, October 29

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."  The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Saturday, October 30:

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles at it. (~Margaret Fuller)

Thursday, November 4:

Man cannot live by bread alone;  he must have peanut butter. (~James Garfield) I'd say peanut butter or nutella, but that's just me :)

Did I tell everyone that I finally turned in my application to re-enter the nursing program? Well...I did. Hopefully (or not?) I'll hear from them by the end of this month.  Speaking of months...the past one was full of craziness as usual and I'm just getting the time to post...well, I usually have time in the middle of the night (can't sleep) but when I contemplate the fact that I have dial-up where I'm at (slower than molasses going up hill) the bordem factor puts me right to sleep :) Life is pretty much the same for all that...I'm trying to find a cheap but running and good gas milage car to buy off of craigslist...I can't drive stick, so I'd really like an automatic...something that isn't so ugly I need a blindfold (bad for driving) and something that will run well so that I don't have to worry about it.  I look at Craigslist during my 15min break at work...every day...and feel like I'm going cross-eyed, I mean have you tried to find something on there? There is some interesting stuff to look at!

I'm also gonna post some more sayings that I found cute or whatever (no more Dr. Suess, I promise...eek, the kids were wearing off on me!)...

Hope everyone is doing well!

(From the teacher calander)  &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp; 

Word of the Day

omphaloskepsis  ahm-fuh-loh-SKEP-si s (noun): contemplation of one's navel as an aid to meditation;  also: indisposition to motion, exertion, or change

Example sentence: Mystics of the Middle Ages practiced omphaloskepsis, believing that concentrating on a single focal point such as the navel would help them experience divine light and glory.

Greek mythology holds that Zeus released two eagles, one from the east and one from the west, and made them fly toward each other.  They met at Delphi, and the spot was marked with a stone in the temple of the oracle there, a stone they named "omphalos," Greek for "navel" (it supposedly marked the center of the world).  Mystics have been practicing omphaloskepsis for centuries, but it wasn't until the early 1920's that English speakers combined omphalos with another Greek term, skepsis (which means "examination," not "skepticism"), to create a word for studying one's own middle and thinking deeply.

-www.Merriam-Webster.com

Interesting, huh? :)

And will you succeed?  You will indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

~Dr. Seuss

Today, we made Oobleck.

What is Oobleck, you say...well, if you don't know you are seriously lacking in your Dr. Seuss education.  It's neither a solid nor a liquid, but it is green and sticky and smooth and soft and hard and soupy and squishy and, oh, all the things kids love...us adults too.  It's all in the name of our physical science lesson, you see.  Consequently there is now drying Oobleck all over the floor and the desks...but there's still a little left in the bowl and I'm gonna go play with it. *giggle*

Oobleck...it's educational.

Oobleck...it's green (or whatever colour you make it)

Oobleck...it's neat.

Oobleck...it's just fun to say!

:)

Happy Birthday to me!! :)

heh...my mommy loves me! Ya'll know I work in a classroom (3rd grade)...and my mum surprised me by showing up with cookies (from the store, but still), a small bunch of flowers, and a floppy, stuffed unicorn! *blush, giggle* My kids loved it...so did I.  I also had my nieces call and sing/scream 'Happy Birthday' into my cel phone. Friends left emails, even the new teacher I'm working with got me something! She's picked up on me enough to know I'm not into really 'flowery' scents, and she bought me a really nice sandalwood candle...I thought that was so thoughtful! I really am blessed.

I feel as if I'm sinking

Being drawn intractably down

Watching the bubbles in confusion

Crying in my head without a sound

My heart is hurting

My mind buzzed numb

Reaching out to find rejection (it seems)0

Perhaps argued by some

Reflection is distorted

Iin thiis silent place

Do I see truth here

Or the stone reflection of a b'loved face

Wwords are pondered, thought, spoken

In the ether they take form

Translated differently through your eyes

Our mixed interrpritations storm

Under all is the fear

Of being trapped in this sinking space

Clausterphobic, caught, my fault and

Your back to me, fading, displaced

~Iey

Don't tell my kids I spelled days that way...

So, school is back in and, as usual, I'm totally busy with the oh-yeh-I-forgot-about-thi s-this-and-this things.  Such is life.  It'll simmer down by next month sometime.  The kids are already talking about Holloween *rolls eyes* I'm being told that I should dress up as everything from a bug to a dead person (been there, done that...Aersnic and Old Lace) to a 'death metal chick' (umm...who lets their 3rd grader listen to or know about that??) to Hillary Duff to Britney Spears...I did, however have to give points to the suggestion of being a slime covered alien-butterfly-thing...uh-huh, right. I think we're all glad that the kids aren't allowed to dress up. :)

Meanwhile, things are settleing themselves out with my new lead and I...I think she's finally realizing  that I want to work...so give me your extra stuff to do!! We'll settle too in the next few weeks. Yay!

On another note...I'm really troubled over something between a friend and I...I'm afraid that I might have said the right thing the wrong way...even though I said it in what I thought was an ok way...I don't know if they read it like I meant it...but I get my feelings out by writing...now there's silence on the other end...it could be that they're busy and since I've been sick I'm not so busy and things just feel bigger to me...ack...I think I think too much :/ 

Such is life, such is life and things will go on and get better :) 

I close my eyes and I dream

of flying silent and free

I open my eyes

and freedom is there before me

to take or not

the choice is mine

I will enjoy the choices I've made

well, I'm sure, in time

Hey all!

Ok, so it's been a while...sorry.  Life gets funny and when you don't have a reliable internet connection...*sigh*  I had to go back to work...summer was nice though.  I'm back at the same school with the same 1-on-1 guy, but he's in 3rd grade now! What a difference...but I think he'll adjust ok and I have 6 of 'my' kids from last year in this class which makes it especially nice. :)  I'm a little frustraded because they won't give me a key to the classroom!!! Ok, I had one last year and life went on peacfully...I didn't throw wild parties, live in (more than usual), desecrate the classroom...so why can't I have one? There's nothing like running around the campus (which, granted, isn't that big) looking for your lead so that you can say "Mrs. G can I have the keys please?"  Mrs. G is nice and she'll be great for my guy, she taught resource for 13 years so she knows the score...problem is she's not used to sharing her classroom.  I think, for now, she's put me in the catagory of 'hired help' instead of instructor and that's hard...especially because last year it was a peer situation.  I don't like having my authority with the kids undermined and while I understand that she wants to establish that she's the lead here, I think there's some better ways to do it.  Augh!

District office...don't we just love them? They sent a memo to my lead saying that I never worked full days last year (huh?!) and that my schedule had to be spelled out and that she had to keep track of it...ok, what?! They did have the grace to say, at the end of the memo, that the fault was not mine...though, of course, they took no responsability.  My lead talked to the lead from last year, asking if she had kept track of my hours...of course not! I was always here when my guy was and always here after work or before doing things for him or me or the lead...why keep track? I think we're just going to state that my hours are 8:30 to 3:15 (they won't give me any more) and then I do my usual thing and we assume I get all of the time in...and if it's clear that I'm not, we'll do something then.  I know they're looking for people and places to cut and that they want to cut my hours...but this is stupid.  I know, I know...I've been gone and when I come back all I do is gripe! Sorry!

My puppy...had to have his dish put back on, he's got an other hot spot...poor baby! Especially since it was between 95 and 105 degrees for a few days there.  My guy said the funniest thing the other day...we were talking about animals and he busts out with "Mr. M's doggy is a space alien...and so is Mr. M!"  Yes, he has a good imagination, but I did remember that the only time he saw my puppy in person is when I was house sitting for Mr. M and the dog had his dish on....makes sense, but still funny!

Ok...I need to be done so that I can run a few errands...whoopie.  I'll try not to be too much of a stranger!

~Iey

My poor puppy!  Ok, so summer is the season for hot spots...those of you who have doggies know that...and my bookie has got his 1st.  Unfortunatly he had to get a square shaved on his bum and he has to wear an e-collar (aka radar dish)...he is so not happy, he keeps ramming into things...I feel so bad for him, ok and for the fact that I can't quit laughing.  Poor baby! Lachlan thinks he's so fierce, so this is not somethign he's fond of...hopefully he'll only have to wear this for an other week or so...

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/ieyoka/La chlan/Bookiebed.jpg" title="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/ieyoka/La chlan/Bookiebed.jpg" target="_blank"http://img.photobucket.com/al...">

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/ieyoka/La chlan/bookie.jpg" title="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/ieyoka/La chlan/bookie.jpg" target="_blank"http://img.photobucket.com/al...">

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I've heard from my cousin Ben...and he's ok.  He was out on an extended patrol and then sick, but he's doing fine and is sorry to have worried us (his family).  I wanted to say thank you, again, to everyone who has expressed concern or sent well-wishes for Ben.  He says that it's hard and the only thing that keeps them all sane is news and word from home...even from people they don't know...he sends his thanks for your wishes too.  Oh, and the best part? They've told him that his until should be stateside in about a month!!!! Ok, so no one is holding their breath, but this is good news...anyway, just wanted to let you know.

~Iey :D

This is from yayktk's blog...she always puts up things I love...

Blank paper makes me want to be a poet.

I want to capture peace in my description of the calmness of the st. croix as it reflects the image of all the frenzy happening above it.

I want my recollection of the exhilirating feeling of getting out on my bicycle to remind you of the greatest joy you ever felt.

I want to express myself in words that bring to mind the most beautiful feelings available on this lonely planet.

But I don't have the skill.

Until I can see in my writing what I see in the eyes of a person who is really listening to me, entranced by every thought I have, expressed or hidden, I will not be satisfied.

I will keep searching for the perfect words with which to share the fairy tales I see in life.

--Anonymous

*Screams and jumps up and down in frustration* Breathe...whewwww,ok.

What has me in this mood, you ask? Nothing much, just the Evergreen Valley College Request to Return to Nursing Program application.  Ok, back in 2000 I started a two-year nursing program to earn my RN.  I went with what I thought was the best school in the area...it was, sort of.  Let's just say that they leaned more towards the learn by fear philosophy than anything else...there were points at which I was so stressed out that I was losing my hair by the handfuls, not sleeping, crying everyday on the way to and from the hospital (only partly because I was on my pediatric rotation and seeing kids in pain is hard), etc.  I was determined, though, to not let them beat me...and this worked well up until my very last semester.  I literally was less than 2 weeks away from starting my preceptorship when I was forced to drop out of the program.  The official reason is listed as missing too many days.  You are allowed to miss up to 2 days in a semester, I missed 2 and a half.  I had the killer flu for 2 weeks, I went to school sick, took a test with a 103 degree fever (yes, I flunked it...but I had studied)...anyway, there were some...issues...with my clinical instructor which led to me having no choice but to drop. Over half way through my final semester.

I looked at every school around, trying to get right back in to finish, but our program was different enough from everyone elses that I would have had to repeat so much of what I'd already done...and since I was already burned out...I didn't want that.  I ended up taking a job in the teaching field, where I've happily been for 2 years now.  But...I should finish my RN...I recently learned that the entire EVC program has been redone, they are taking a more student friendly approach and none of my old 2nd year instructors is there. *happy dance*

This leads me to my original question...why?!  Oh well.  I am looking at this reapplication form and there's one part that says:

"I feel I will be successful in completing the Nursing Program for the   following reasons (Include activities completed that were recommended by your instructor and other appropriate activities that will enhance your future success.) Please attach a copy of the letter your instructor gave you when you left the program."

Ummmm...I'm going to try to not get the killer flu this time around?? As for my instructor...all I was told was nothing. Letter?! What letter? I never saw or recieived any letter...*sigh*

So, I wrote to the Dean of Nursing and now I wait...and wait...to hear back from her...meanwhile I study and pray that I remember everything...and laugh at myself because the whole time I'm wondering why I'm doing this to myself...oh yeh, I love kids...ok :)

So, here I am, house sitting for 2 weeks and I have access to a computer 24/7...and do I post? Of course not! I'm sure I'll have many wonderful things to say the night after I leave here...of course.  I just wanted to check in and say hi since I haven't posted in a while.

I promise to get more pics up soon (Scrib, Lizz, Traces...hush!) and post some good stuff, until then I amuse myself by commenting on all of you~

Iey